Mutant Chicken Kebab (A Lunchtime Lairs Adventure)

Our brave adventurers stare out of the farmhouse window. Below, five mutant ten-foot-high chickens roam. The horse and cart which brought our group to the farm remains undisturbed. A flaming arrow, aimed at the warehouse, burns out on the grass.

Reckoning that the vines – that have blocked the only exit – will part for the horse and cart (just as they did for their arrival), the group decides to try and make their exit. The invisible barbarian Hector leaps from the window and creeps towards the carriage with relative ease. The carriage is brought within leaping distance of the window. A mattress is then launched from the window, tearing through the canvas roof of the wagon, to cushion their escape.

The four remaining adventurers – Faqual, Seneca, Romula and Moloch – stand on the window ledge, hold hands and decide to jump on ‘three’. But Faqual, still reeling from the betrayal of his brother, jumps on two and pulls the entire party with him. They crash down beside the carriage.

With a cluck, the interests of the mutant chickens are piqued.

‘Go! Go!’ Romula jumps aboard the wagon, shielding her party. Faqual takes the reins and with a flick of the wrist the horse starts forward.

Two chickens try to break for the horse and the three remaining chickens charge the rear of the wagon. Seneca defies form, catching a chicken square in the throat. Faqual steers true, the horse thunders back towards the path – the wagon lifts on to two wheels. A chicken pecks at the wheels but to no avail.

Are these chickens intelligent? Has their mutant size increased their brain capacity? Come to think of it – where are the Beak Squad when you need them?!

Seneca lands a few arrows, albeit from close range. Hector spears a chicken through the neck, almost decapitating it and Romula hooks her mace in to the fleshy thigh of one of her foes, dragging him from the sky.

One of the chickens blocks the path to the gate. Hector races to the front of the wagon, using the cross bar to leap over Faqual (almost dislodging his hat) and mounting the horse. He attempts to spear the chicken dead ahead, but his spear finds only feathers. However, Moloch catches the chicken off guard, knocking it to the ground prone.

Faqual continues the charge of the wagon, wondering if a change in career path – from chocolatier to equestrian – might be in order. He successfully leaps the horse over the prone chicken and the wagon bounces down upon their fallen foe.

With Hector’s brave leaps and Faqual’s skilful horse handling, Seneca feels somewhat deflated. His shots were all looking so skilful, but in comparison…

And so Seneca reverts to type. As a mutant chicken swoops upon the wagon, Seneca spectacularly fails to miss his target.

Faqual notices that the vines across the gate are showing no signs of retreat and decides to change tact. He makes another spectacular hairpin turn and charges across the crops towards the warehouse. But in the excitement, Hector is thrown from the horse. The vines stir, the two remaining chickens move in on the barbarian, who despatches them with ease.

Moloch tries to relay a new plan to the party. He wants to fire a flaming arrow in to the warehouse, blowing it up (and dispensing any flammable gas) whilst sparing the horse and wagon. But Romula is caught up in the blood fever of battle. With a howl, she lights the mattress in the back of the wagon on fire and shouts for her comrades to jump from the speeding wagon.

Hector, dispensing of the remaining mutant poultry, watches his companions leap from the burning wagon. The horse speeds on through the warehouse door.

There is a brief sound of shuffling, as if something in the warehouse has been disturbed.

And then…


The flames reach the farmhouse and it begins to burn alongside the warehouse.

With the farm destroyed, their foes vanquished and the vines trapping them within the compound, it seems our party has one option;

To wait for the warehouse to burn out and then find the tunnel that leads – hopefully – to Celebration…

Lunchtime Lairs is a RPG session played weekly at Justplay Games Liverpool, Wednesdays 12-2pm. We are currently playing The Black Hack.

Atlas Shrugged – A Tale of Unrequited Fraternal Love (A Lunchtime Lairs Adventure)

After dispatching the ill-fated Guy family the party enters the farmhouse in search of the shadowy figure spotted at the top floor window, leaving for now the mysterious force in the barn that cast one of the farm hands across the corral crushing him against the house exterior.

Inside the party sees evidence of the Guys austere bunkhouse lives as the ground floor consists of a space split between a series of simple bunks and a kitchen area providing the rudiments of domestic life. With all appearing quiet Seneca and Moloch are dispatched upstairs, and displaying unusual dexterity, take stock of the first floor unnoticed by its sole occupant.
Like the ground the first floor consists of a single open space. At the centre stands an altar bearing a bas relief sigil of a blood drop. Lying upon the altar is an apparently fresh cadaver, channels on the surface are funnelling the body’s fluids into a pail on the ground. At the far end of the room is a workspace consisting of desk, bookcase and workbench upon which is a cage containing 3 contentedly clucking chickens. Around the walls are a series of potted thorny plants that hold little aesthetic appeal in the metropolitan eyes of the thieves.

At the window stands the shadowy figure spied from below. Dressed is the robes of a conjuror, also bearing a blood drop sigil, stands the mysterious overseer of the Guy farm. Satisfied he has marked everything of note Seneca makes to return to the party to plan their next steps but he is stoped by the far wiser, observant and competent Moloch – Aside from an impressively waxed and trimmed beard lending him an air of sophisticated menace this unknown conjuror is a perfect likeness of Farqual, the party’s mage and confectioner.

Below the party regroups and the thieves confront Farqual about his doppelganger above. Farqual admits he has a twin brother, Barqual, he has not seen since his youth. They were both conjurors but Barqual disdained the confectioner’s school of magic in favour of the darker arts of necromancy.
The party forms up into their now signature battle formation, a shield wall of Romula and the impressive bulk of Hector to the fore and the unreliable ranged weapons of Seneca and Moloch in the rear. Feeling an appeal to his brother’s better nature could save bloodshed (usually his own as his mounting disfigurement attests) Farqual hails his brother and reminds him of their time as children with their mother Marqual and father Parqual. Barqual informs his brother that much has changed since their youth and as a demonstration animates the corpse upon the altar and enchants the chickens at the far side of the room which burst from their cage growing to five feet in height.

Sensing his brother may be numbed to their family ties Farqual changes track and makes a plea to his brother’s sense of civic duty to join the party in their righteous (and mandatory upon pain of boat) quest for the region’s governor. This proves a costly misjudgement of his brother’s political thinking who reveals himself to be a libertarian seeking to be free of the oppressive meddling of the state in his entrepreneurial enterprise of selling magic beans to Celebration. As a last roll of the dice Farqual decides to mock his brother’s fowl based sorcery to which Barqual announces he has more eggs to hatch and a large crash is heard outside the farmhouse.

Entering combat Moloch is quick to move and mounts the altar to fire his sling unsuccessfully at Barqual who places his cadaverous defender between himself and the party’s first line of attack. Two chickens close on the party and one jumps the altar to peck at Moloch. Showing a dramatic flair worthy of his facial hair Barqual casts invisibility over his undead protector causing a wave of unease in our heroes. Doing what he is almost most well-known for Hector the Hoplite rains two mighty blows down upon the nearest chicken cleaving its head completely from its body. As the head falls to the ground the body runs off and is quickly ensnared by one of the potted thorns.
Seeking to further even up the odds for the party Romula knocks over the pail of blood and bodily fluid and as the contents spread across the floor she notes two voids appear in the vicinity of the nearest chicken. Visualising the snow carpeted steppe bathed in the winter long moonlight of her homeland she calls upon the power of her God to banish the revenant from the field of battle. A series of crimson footprints appear and race towards to wall where, sensing prey is nearby, a thorn plant activates and ensnares the zombie causing the invisibility to fade. Feeling their more martial comrades have things in hand Farqual and Seneca rush to the aid of Moloch and attack his feathered assailant.

Not wishing the heroes to grow overconfident Barqual aides Hector in doing the thing he is actually most well-known for by casting charm upon him. Showing the usual resistance his simple mind is capable off Hector once again turns on his companions and climbs the altar to face Moloch. Identifying Hector as the most pressing threat to Moloch’s life Farqual rushes behind Hector and grabs his cloak. A combination of his considerable bulk, elevated position and surprise conspire to send this human siege engine arse over tit and he crashes to the floor. Utilising the break in the action to their benefit the thieves combine into a single competent and dexterous whole and dispatch the altar based hen.

Romula braces to fend off the final bird but quickly realises its attacks are hardly above the level of minor annoyance and its main function is a mobile shield for Barqual. In a hectic period Barqual gets Hector back to his feet and casts invisibility over him to up the ante, and Seneca and Moloch return to form and send a series of projectiles everywhere but into Barqual, save for a single hit. Farqual wants in on the projectile action and attempts to launch the blood pail at his brother but slips on the slick blood soaked floorboards and hits himself in the head.

As arrows and stones continue not to rain down on Barqual Farqual makes a last appeal to his brother and launches into a song from their childhood

“Who can take a rainbow
Wrap it in a sigh
Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie
The Candy Man…”

Barqual hesitates and tells his brother he has touched his necrotic heart. He has decided to kill him last. This touching scene is disrupted when Romula dispatches the final chicken and Barqual, shouting “screw this for a game of soldiers” jumps through the window to a chorus of excited clucks. Still singing Farqual races to the window to see six twelve foot tall chickens below and his brother disappearing into the warehouse. No longer under Barqual’s influence the thorn plant release the corpse which falls to floor once again lifeless. A disembodied confused voice asks “What’s happened here?”
The party searches the desk and workspace and find a ledger, set of blueprints and a letter addressed to an Ayn in Celebration. Piecing the information together it appears the Guy Farm previously supplied the brewing industry in Celebration with Hops but has recently moved production to a mysterious bean which, in order to avoid ‘Guberment interference’ is being transported to Celebration by means of underground tunnels accessible from an entryway constructed and hidden in the warehouse. Successful experiments with chickens have increased production due to a superior supply of guano now being available but has caused problems – the gas it produces is flammable and heavier than air so long term storage in the warehouse is dangerous as gas could pool in the tunnels.

Excited at the prospect of finally getting to burn something the party decides to shoot a flaming arrow at the warehouse from the first floor window of the house. Quite literally, however, Seneca fails to hit a barn door and the arrow falls some way short causing the twelve foot tall chickens to recoil from the flame.

The party regroups to consider their options…

(By James Leader)

Lunchtime Lairs is a weekly RPG session at Justplay Games Liverpool, Wednesdays at 12 until 2. We are currently playing the Black Hack.

Lunchtime Lairs: Death and Taxes

Having found a dazed Blegrim in the tunnels under the dragon’s mountain, Faqual had found himself confronted by a troop of guards. The bumbling conjurer proved unconvincing and was captured, along with Seneca. The fate of the Beak Squad – six mutated intelligent penguins – is unknown…

Waking up in a dungeon, Seneca and Faqual find themselves reunited with Hector and Romula. They wait in their cramped cell for two days, with nothing to eat but more snook (where’s the Beak Squad when they’re needed?) Eventually, they are visited by Commander Fencer, who is looking for volunteers. Complete a job and earn your freedom. Well, of sorts.

Our brave adventurers volunteer, as does Moloch the Thief (Dan, joining our adventure for his first RPG outing). Stepping out in to the bright sunlight, they are presented with their task. The Regional Governor has a dispute with a small town two days journey away. It seems the town’s primary business has changed in the last six months and they have since stopped paying their taxes. Several expeditions have been sent to the town to speak to the new Mayor – none have returned. The Governor, having noted the alleged crimes of our merry gang, wishes to enlist them as an expendable enforcement team that are known as the “Red Shirts” (this despite the white shirts with which they have been presented)

Seneca saw this as an opportunity to scarper, but Fencer had a few surprises in store. The snook they had been fed contained miniaturised canoes (an oddly specific way of storing transport that was defined in the previous campaign). The Governor’s resident conjurer could use his crystal ball to monitor the progress of the Red Shirts. Deviate too far, and their waistline would expand by several feet.

By way of demonstration, the conjurer showed the previous party that had been tasked with this job. One moment, they supped beers in a tavern, the next moment five canoes occupied their spaces at the bar along with a lot of fleshy bits and bodily fluids.

Convinced, the adventurers set out.

They were advised that the road to the town of Celebration was a two day journey. The landscape was open and flat. There was only one notable place to shelter for the night – a church halfway between both towns.

After a weary day of travel, the group approached the churchyard. But something was off. The church itself appeared a little…ventilated. The churchyard was scattered with rubble, the church roof and bell tower had crumbled and the shattered altar looked to be the scene of some magical explosion.

More alarmingly, the weathered and aged graves looked to have been recently exhumed.

A lone mausoleum, decorated with a hop motif, was locked. Seneca picked the lock. Inside, they found ten coffins. The newest was judged to have been placed less than a year ago. Two of the oldest coffins had been tampered.

Deciding to set up camp within the mausoleum, the gang carried the coffins out to the church – in case any of their residents decided to go for a walk. The two oldest, tampered coffins were empty.

They set a decoy fire in the ruins of the church and Hector and Moloch took first watch. After a few hours, they heard an approaching wagon. They roused the rest of the party and readied themselves. Moloch stepped out in to the road to hail the driver, but the driver was already slowing the wagon down. Two horses, two men and a large contained wagon.

Moloch tried to charm them as a lonely adventurer, but one of the men trained a crossbow on him and told him to send his party out from the church. Another attempt at charm failed and the driver became aware that the campfire was a decoy. As he bade the horses on, the bowman took fire, catching Moloch and depleting his armour. Seneca failed to hit a horse, as did a charging Hector. The coach driver was thrown from the carriage and Hector flung his iron rod in to the wheels of the carriage, forcing the horses to break free and bolt. The bowman was flung forward, his neck snapping as he landed head first on the ground.

Moloch darted to the driver and held him captive.

The horses are scattered and the driver is captured. Where did they come from? What was their intention at night in a graveyard?

Lunchtime Lairs is a weekly roleplay session held at Justplay Games in Liverpool, Wednesdays 12:00-14:00. We are currently running The Black Hack.

UK Games Expo 2018

Last weekend, I spent two fantastic days at the UK Games Expo at the Birmingham NEC. Having done many a Comic Con over the years, I thought I had an idea of what to expect – how wrong I was. The scale of UKGE is impressive, and the organisation of such an event is incredible. The Expo was split across Hall 1 and 2 of the Exhibition Halls at the NEC. Most of this space was devoted to traders and developers, with plenty of opportunities to play test or interact with some tantalising new (and old) titles. A large part of Hall 2 was devoted to Tournament play, with Fantasy Flight Games hosting the European Championships of X Wing Miniatures and a Star Wars Destiny tournament (both of which I spent a small fortune on expanding my collection this weekend). The free play areas were always bustling with gamers – the confidence of the experienced gamers mixed with those concentrating on new rule books, getting to grips with new worlds. The atmosphere was electric. A quick stroll past the Viking and Orc encampment (who’d have thought they’d mix so well?), led to the Hilton, who were hosting most of the RPG sessions and seminars.

Needless to say, before I could immerse myself in the Expo, I had to navigate the surrounding roads – far too recent for my ancient Sat Nav to comprehend. Having gone 30 miles out of our way (yes, I’m serious), we made our way to the Holiday Inn Birmingham Airport and took advantage of their excellent complimentary shuttle to the Airport, which is a short walk to the NEC.

We arrived at the Expo early Friday afternoon. We had been warned that the crowds on Saturday would likely be tough to navigate, so I was glad to wander with ease around the Halls on Friday. There was no entry queue, nor any queues to collect tickets and passes.

 It took me all of five minutes to make my first purchase of the trip. Having spotted the Backspindle Games table, I was drawn to a Mexican wrestling game called ‘Luchador!’. Backspindle are the company behind the awesome Discworld title, ‘The Clacks’, which I was bought whilst directing a theatre adaption of Going Postal (on which the game is based). It’s quickly become a favourite, having been played on many drunken evenings around our table. Simple, yet challenging – and not so heavy on Discworld lore that it scares off the casual player. In fact, it’s one of the few we’ve been able to play successfully with the in-laws. But I’ll give a full review of The Clacks another day.

 As luck would have it, the designer of Luchador had stopped by the booth and was able to sign a copy for me, which was a result. First blood to Backspindle! 36 hours to go…

 Having surveyed the Hall, we were drawn to the Bring and Buy. With no real intention of buying much, we queued a reasonable 20 minutes (queues on Saturday were unreal) with a wish list of games that we didn’t expect to see. How naive we were. For those unfamiliar, the Bring and Buy is like a massive board game jumble sale. Sellers register their items, check them in and they’re added to the pile. Sellers then check back in over the course of the weekend to see how much they’ve earned. It’s Expo eBay, basically.

 We were really pleased to see wish list item ‘Thud’ for sale (another Discworld title) for a reasonable price, considering it’s out of print. We tried it out later in the bar and it’s gorgeous. Again, review to follow!

 With time ticking on, we made our way to our first show of the night. Ian Livingstone reading Deathtrap Dungeon. The contestant was John Robertson (from the hilarious ‘Dark Room’ fringe show). After giving us an insight in to how they met (“Hello, I’m Ian. I invented the thing you’re parodying”), we spent 2 hours trying to lure Robertson to his death. The room was packed and really warm, but it didn’t put the crowd off. At one point, Livingstone pulled out a harmonica and Roberston sang an impromptu blues song about his visit to the borehole. Both were completely captivating and laugh out loud hysterical.

 The Hilton’s bar was a highlight of the weekend. Every seat taken by gamers, each with a pint and a game in front of them. A couple of oblivious hotel guests looked totally bewildered by it, but there was a buzz throughout the building that was infectious. We finished the night off with a trip to see old friends Jollyboat (who we’ve shared a fringe platform with on the odd occasion) and John Robertson getting his revenge on Ian Livingstone in ‘The Dark Room’ – which I can’t recommend highly enough. If you’re in Edinburgh this summer, sell your soul for a ticket.

 Our taxi brought us back to the Holiday Inn at 1am. In reception, a group played Magic the Gathering and a few board games were set up in the bar!

 An early start on Saturday for the busiest day of the Expo. The crowds were bustling and I was glad to have had the opportunity to peruse at my own pace the day before. I stopped by Ian Livingstone’s table to shake the hand of the man who started my love of fantasy way back when and stopped for a chat at the Black Hack and Cthulhu Hack booths (The Black Hack being our current game of choice at Lunchtime Lairs – Wednesdays 12-2 at JustPlay Liverpool)

 In the afternoon, we had a game booked at the Hilton. Although I’ve dabbled on and off over the years, I’m still relatively inexperienced playing RPG’s and only ever with friends. Lunchtime Lairs was my means to break the ice and jump in head first and I was determined to have a similar experience at UKGE. So I had found a Level 1 Dungeons and Dragons 5E campaign that seemed suitable.

 ‘Against the Grain’ was written and DM’d by Simon Rice, who was a brilliant and welcoming DM. The campaign saw 4 adventurers investigate a missing farmer and the mysterious mist that had descended upon the area, leading people astray. We were fortunate to play with such a great group – each of whom embraced their pre gens from the very start. There was no clichéd wariness, this motley crew were very soon squabbling comically, much to Simon’s amusement. There was a great use of tarot cards, drawn randomly by the adventurers in an encounter with an insane cannibal clairvoyant, which helped determine some random encounters for each player. It was excellent.

 By the time we wrapped up, it was now near 8pm on Saturday. We headed back to the bar, bought a few pints and played a few card games that we’d picked up that morning before jumping the shuttle bus back and heading to bed.

 I would have loved to have added a third day to the trip but I don’t think my wallet could take any more!

 So, a week later I’m still mulling over a brilliant Expo. There’s still a lot of games to play (and review), but there’s nothing quite like having so much enthusiasm in one place.

 = = = = =

David Griffiths is a writer, producer and director from Liverpool. His novels, ‘A Christmas Cthulhu’ and ‘Bearquake’ are available from Amazon. As a sports journalist, his ice hockey show, Drop The Puck, has been broadcast across the UK’s local TV networks for five years. His sports documentary, ‘Dragons Fire’ is available on YouTube. His latest feature film, ‘Saving Grace’ is currently in post production. Follow him on Twitter @daveygriff82