Mutant Chicken Kebab (A Lunchtime Lairs Adventure)

Our brave adventurers stare out of the farmhouse window. Below, five mutant ten-foot-high chickens roam. The horse and cart which brought our group to the farm remains undisturbed. A flaming arrow, aimed at the warehouse, burns out on the grass.

Reckoning that the vines – that have blocked the only exit – will part for the horse and cart (just as they did for their arrival), the group decides to try and make their exit. The invisible barbarian Hector leaps from the window and creeps towards the carriage with relative ease. The carriage is brought within leaping distance of the window. A mattress is then launched from the window, tearing through the canvas roof of the wagon, to cushion their escape.

The four remaining adventurers – Faqual, Seneca, Romula and Moloch – stand on the window ledge, hold hands and decide to jump on ‘three’. But Faqual, still reeling from the betrayal of his brother, jumps on two and pulls the entire party with him. They crash down beside the carriage.

With a cluck, the interests of the mutant chickens are piqued.

‘Go! Go!’ Romula jumps aboard the wagon, shielding her party. Faqual takes the reins and with a flick of the wrist the horse starts forward.

Two chickens try to break for the horse and the three remaining chickens charge the rear of the wagon. Seneca defies form, catching a chicken square in the throat. Faqual steers true, the horse thunders back towards the path – the wagon lifts on to two wheels. A chicken pecks at the wheels but to no avail.

Are these chickens intelligent? Has their mutant size increased their brain capacity? Come to think of it – where are the Beak Squad when you need them?!

Seneca lands a few arrows, albeit from close range. Hector spears a chicken through the neck, almost decapitating it and Romula hooks her mace in to the fleshy thigh of one of her foes, dragging him from the sky.

One of the chickens blocks the path to the gate. Hector races to the front of the wagon, using the cross bar to leap over Faqual (almost dislodging his hat) and mounting the horse. He attempts to spear the chicken dead ahead, but his spear finds only feathers. However, Moloch catches the chicken off guard, knocking it to the ground prone.

Faqual continues the charge of the wagon, wondering if a change in career path – from chocolatier to equestrian – might be in order. He successfully leaps the horse over the prone chicken and the wagon bounces down upon their fallen foe.

With Hector’s brave leaps and Faqual’s skilful horse handling, Seneca feels somewhat deflated. His shots were all looking so skilful, but in comparison…

And so Seneca reverts to type. As a mutant chicken swoops upon the wagon, Seneca spectacularly fails to miss his target.

Faqual notices that the vines across the gate are showing no signs of retreat and decides to change tact. He makes another spectacular hairpin turn and charges across the crops towards the warehouse. But in the excitement, Hector is thrown from the horse. The vines stir, the two remaining chickens move in on the barbarian, who despatches them with ease.

Moloch tries to relay a new plan to the party. He wants to fire a flaming arrow in to the warehouse, blowing it up (and dispensing any flammable gas) whilst sparing the horse and wagon. But Romula is caught up in the blood fever of battle. With a howl, she lights the mattress in the back of the wagon on fire and shouts for her comrades to jump from the speeding wagon.

Hector, dispensing of the remaining mutant poultry, watches his companions leap from the burning wagon. The horse speeds on through the warehouse door.

There is a brief sound of shuffling, as if something in the warehouse has been disturbed.

And then…


The flames reach the farmhouse and it begins to burn alongside the warehouse.

With the farm destroyed, their foes vanquished and the vines trapping them within the compound, it seems our party has one option;

To wait for the warehouse to burn out and then find the tunnel that leads – hopefully – to Celebration…

Lunchtime Lairs is a RPG session played weekly at Justplay Games Liverpool, Wednesdays 12-2pm. We are currently playing The Black Hack.

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